Purple Mountains Travesty: A History Lesson
It's decided. The American public has voted and named the top ten Americans of all time. Before you read on, know that George Washington finished 4th. George "America" Washington, for who this country was named, didn't even make the medal stand. Alright, here is the atrocity of the country that everyone hates a little bit.
10. Franklin Delano Roosevelt - A personal favorite. Took down the Great Depression, WWII, did give up a lot to Soviet Russia, but he couldn't walk.
9. Oprah Winfrey - Highest ranked female, talk show host, fluctuates between fat and thin (thus embodies the American dream).
8. Elvis Presley - Third sexiest American, died of drug overdose on a toilet. Had lethal, censored hip movements that simulated smooth, sweet sexual intercourse. Good singer.
7. Bill Clinton - Second sexiest American. Likes blue dresses. Jokes about him still found here and in Jay Leno monologues.
6. George W. Bush - F*ck.
5. Benjamin Franklin - Inventor, writer, statesman, and sayer of "Beer is God's sign that he loves us and wants us to be happy."
4. George Washington - Invented freedom. Face can be found on everything this country holds dear.
3. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. - Civil rights leader, well known to J. Edgar Hoover and the FBI, had an extramarital affair, second highest-ranked assassin victim.
2. Abraham Lincoln - Sexiest American, saved this country from itself, has no known flaws.
So who on earth beat these guys?! This is the cream of the crop right here! But America looked deep within its heart, watched Matt Lauer and company debate the greatness of these men and women (woman), ran home from Wal*Mart, spat on a gay couple, logged on to AOL, kicked a baby, took a bite of a Big Mac and voted for . . .
1. Ronald Reagan
God Bless the Greatest American of All Time. President from 1981 - 1989, he raised America's spirits for the first time after Vietnam among record budget deficits, economic pressure on the middle class, human rights abuses in Central America, and the Iran-Contra scandal.* Known as "the Great Communicator" and the winner of the Cold War, Reagan considered Nelson Mandela a terrorist, liked jellybeans and personally dispensed rose-colored glasses to the American public just before his death last year.
A quick look at the rest of the world and who they think is their best:
GERMANY
1. Konrad Adenauer (Chancellor rebuilt nation after WWII)
2. Martin Luther (the first Lutheran, good at nailing things to things)
3. Karl Marx (favorite among high school social studies teachers)
Also in top 10: Johannes Gutenberg, Albert Einstein (who finished somewhere between 10 and 25 in American voting)
FRANCE
1. Charles de Gaulle ("the Nose")
2. Louis Pasteur (scientist)
3. Abbe Pierre (humanitarian)
4. Marie Curie (Nobel prize winner, scientist)
5. Coluche (comedian)
6. Victor Hugo (writer)
7. Bourvil (comedian)
8. Moliere (playwright, funny guy)
9. Jacques-Yves Cousteau (internationally renowned oceanographer, deep sea diver, adventurer, documentary filmmaker, expert on every aspect of marine life)
10. Edith Piaf (singer)
GREAT BRITAIN
1. Winston Churchill
2. Isambard Kingdom Brunel (engineer during 1800s, now known as "David Beckham")
3. Princess Di (inspiration for Elton John's remake of "Candle in the Wind")
4. Charles Darwin (disregarded as scientific wacko by American far religious right)
5. William Shakespeare (phony)
6. Isaac Newton (got lucky)
7. Queen Elizabeth I (immortal, still alive in Liverpool)
8. John Lennon (son shares a birthday with me)
9. Horatio Nelson (probably beat Napoleon)
10. Oliver Cromwell (overthrew British monarchy in 1645, inspired to write 'Wallace and Gromit')
And that, my friends, is the history of the white world. And what a world it is. Good night everybody!
*Documents revealing the truth behind the Iran-Contra scandal were to be released in 2001, but George W. Bush enacted a rule change to keep them secret indefinitely. And this has been your mutha-f*cking history lesson fo the day. Just checking to see if you're still reading.
10. Franklin Delano Roosevelt - A personal favorite. Took down the Great Depression, WWII, did give up a lot to Soviet Russia, but he couldn't walk.
9. Oprah Winfrey - Highest ranked female, talk show host, fluctuates between fat and thin (thus embodies the American dream).
8. Elvis Presley - Third sexiest American, died of drug overdose on a toilet. Had lethal, censored hip movements that simulated smooth, sweet sexual intercourse. Good singer.
7. Bill Clinton - Second sexiest American. Likes blue dresses. Jokes about him still found here and in Jay Leno monologues.
6. George W. Bush - F*ck.
5. Benjamin Franklin - Inventor, writer, statesman, and sayer of "Beer is God's sign that he loves us and wants us to be happy."
4. George Washington - Invented freedom. Face can be found on everything this country holds dear.
3. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. - Civil rights leader, well known to J. Edgar Hoover and the FBI, had an extramarital affair, second highest-ranked assassin victim.
2. Abraham Lincoln - Sexiest American, saved this country from itself, has no known flaws.
So who on earth beat these guys?! This is the cream of the crop right here! But America looked deep within its heart, watched Matt Lauer and company debate the greatness of these men and women (woman), ran home from Wal*Mart, spat on a gay couple, logged on to AOL, kicked a baby, took a bite of a Big Mac and voted for . . .
1. Ronald Reagan
God Bless the Greatest American of All Time. President from 1981 - 1989, he raised America's spirits for the first time after Vietnam among record budget deficits, economic pressure on the middle class, human rights abuses in Central America, and the Iran-Contra scandal.* Known as "the Great Communicator" and the winner of the Cold War, Reagan considered Nelson Mandela a terrorist, liked jellybeans and personally dispensed rose-colored glasses to the American public just before his death last year.
A quick look at the rest of the world and who they think is their best:
GERMANY
1. Konrad Adenauer (Chancellor rebuilt nation after WWII)
2. Martin Luther (the first Lutheran, good at nailing things to things)
3. Karl Marx (favorite among high school social studies teachers)
Also in top 10: Johannes Gutenberg, Albert Einstein (who finished somewhere between 10 and 25 in American voting)
FRANCE
1. Charles de Gaulle ("the Nose")
2. Louis Pasteur (scientist)
3. Abbe Pierre (humanitarian)
4. Marie Curie (Nobel prize winner, scientist)
5. Coluche (comedian)
6. Victor Hugo (writer)
7. Bourvil (comedian)
8. Moliere (playwright, funny guy)
9. Jacques-Yves Cousteau (internationally renowned oceanographer, deep sea diver, adventurer, documentary filmmaker, expert on every aspect of marine life)
10. Edith Piaf (singer)
GREAT BRITAIN
1. Winston Churchill
2. Isambard Kingdom Brunel (engineer during 1800s, now known as "David Beckham")
3. Princess Di (inspiration for Elton John's remake of "Candle in the Wind")
4. Charles Darwin (disregarded as scientific wacko by American far religious right)
5. William Shakespeare (phony)
6. Isaac Newton (got lucky)
7. Queen Elizabeth I (immortal, still alive in Liverpool)
8. John Lennon (son shares a birthday with me)
9. Horatio Nelson (probably beat Napoleon)
10. Oliver Cromwell (overthrew British monarchy in 1645, inspired to write 'Wallace and Gromit')
And that, my friends, is the history of the white world. And what a world it is. Good night everybody!
*Documents revealing the truth behind the Iran-Contra scandal were to be released in 2001, but George W. Bush enacted a rule change to keep them secret indefinitely. And this has been your mutha-f*cking history lesson fo the day. Just checking to see if you're still reading.
posted by Jon at 2:06 PM
3 Comments:
Ahh, Jon. My love for America wouldn't be complete without your patriotic entries. Thank you. I am now going to get ready to celebrate the freedom of our country by getting drunk and blowing stuff up.
-Tara
Hate to do this to ya Jon but as a history major I feel that I must make a correction. Believe it or not Honest Abe did have a few faults. Among many others he was quite the flip flopper (thus solidifying his relationship with the only person to look more wooden than him...John Kerry). The following is a speech that Lincoln made in 1858 in Charleston Illinois while campaigning for the Senate. " I will say, then that I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and black races (crowd applause at this point); that I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of making voters or jurors of negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with white people...And inasmuch as they cannot so live, while they do remain together there must be a position of superior and inferior, and I as much as any other man am in favor of having the superior position assigned to the white race." This came less than two months after a speech saying the exact opposite in a town outside of Chicago that was sympathetic to the abolitionist cause. Was he just lying to these gullible conservatives or was he just blowing where the winds took him when he took up the abolitionist cause during the war? Whatever the case, I don't know how well he can be positioned at the number two spot on the list. Granted everyone has their faults and at least he didn't unleash upon the world a gaggle of second rate "talkies" (thanks ronny) but I don't feel his hands are any cleaner than those of Washington (especially without indoor plumbing). Also, where the fuck is Thomas Jefferson? Wrote the declaration of Independence! Scammed Napoleon for the Louisiana Purchase! I mean come on! Not to mention the fact that he/kennedy/you/me/Ted Bundy/Al Bundy/any number of homeless people should be above George W. What the flip ever.
You may get some waffles tossed at your head for comparing Abe Lincoln to John "Anybody could've beaten Bush but I somehow didn't" Kerry.
As far as the 19th Century flip-floppery goes, there has never been an issue in American history as hotly contested as racism and slavery. Abe had to make a lot compromises (even early on) to try and keep people together. That's politics. I think the ends justify the means in this case, and that his inability to put the toilet seat down is the true fault of character here.
Nice use of Al Bundy.
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