Spring Breakation

Good afternoon, distinguished colleagues.

I come before you today to share my findings after exactly five days of non-participatory obsevationist research in the field of collegiate freshmen women. On behalf of the subjects and myself, I would like to thank you all for your support and interest in this engaging and relatively incomprehensible field of research.

The subjects consisted of four young adult females, all under the age of twenty. Their environment was mountainous and ranging from 18 to 45 degrees Fahrenheit, and isolated from their typical environment. There were no restrictions to their mobility or communication with the outside world, except for any hesitation due to my presence.

Their behavior consisted primarily of conversation: approximately 271 hours over the five-day period. Alternate activities consisted of chatting, gossiping, and the aiding of the construction of a seven-tiered "Beeramid," possibly for religious purposes. The subjects also engaged in a peculiar activity that involved the dismissal of pants and the gathering in a bed-like setting, also possibly for religious purposes.

From the 271 hours of logged conversation and activity, the following data was gathered and analyzed:

1) Roughly 75% of collegiate freshmen women enjoy the consumption of alcohol on a consistent basis.
2) Roughly 100% of collegiate freshmen women discuss sex on a constant and consistent basis, thereby negating the calculation of the indifference between males and female in this behavior.
3) The topic of "hair" is highly popular among collegiate freshmen women, and is used as a transition subject, a subject to supplement the topic of sex, a subject of praise, a subject of interrogation, a political subject, and as a subject all its own.
4) The rates of alcohol consumption among collegiate freshmen women increase dramatically in the presence of Fraternal Brothers (members of an elite "Greek System" of living, which is an entirely separate field of research).
5) 25% of collegiate freshmen women are unable to distinguish between a bear, a steer, and the presence of mad-cow disease.
6) 100% of collegiate freshman are concerned about the appearance of their chins.
7) 0% of females show any restraint in the act of torture, specifically via the use of Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill."

The last piece of information became so apparent on the first day of research that I was forced to take action and eliminate any further threat to my health and safety.

Overall effects of the constant presence of such females on myself: muscle aches, insomnia, decreased lung capacity, a great deal of fond memories, hair loss, Photographer's Syndrome, embarrassment and sulfur poisoning. There were no detectable signs of regret.