CarHELL Everett
If you're a football fan, then picture the Terrell Owens of baseball. If you're a basketball fan, he's the Ron Artest (during the brawl) or Bobby Knight (pick a travesty) of baseball.
And if you're a Mariners fan . . . you may not be for much longer.
On December 14th, for a mere $4 million, the Mariners acquired more baggage than a Samsonite warehouse by acquiring Carl Everett from the world champion White Sox. That was a lame simile, yes, but I am so blinded with rage that I cannot go back and read what I wrote.
Things are about to go from bad to worse.
Carl Everett made it clear in an interview that he doesn't believe dinosaurs ever existed. Seriously. He'd be wonderfully stupid and fun to watch if it wasn't for all the rest.
He hates gays and he is vocal about it. He's headbutted an umpire. He spit, flipped off, and grabbed his crotch at Jamie Moyer after hitting a home run. He had his children taken by child services after they were spotted by the Mets organization with bruises all over their bodies. He fights with managers. He fights with fans. He has to be held back very frequently from throwing punches at everyone and anyone in the clubhouse.
He sucks. Carl Everett sucks.
The Mariners suck, too, but at least they're good people. Carl Everett's numbers against opposing pitchers are nowhere close to the damage he does to the team he's playing for.
The general malaise that was Safeco Field is about to find a way to get worse. No more blase losing: we're about to see losing on and off the field.
In a depressed stupor, I convinced myself for a brief moment that Carl Everett will add some charge to the M's, some wind to the sails that have been limp for years.
Then I read a timeline of his atrocities.
And I realized: he's playing DH. The position most beloved to Mariners fans. He has taken the place of Edgar. That's how bad it's gotten.
You have my permission to boo him. You may cheer when he strikes out.
Just be warned that if it catches on, he'll be hitting more fans than pitches.
And if you're a Mariners fan . . . you may not be for much longer.
On December 14th, for a mere $4 million, the Mariners acquired more baggage than a Samsonite warehouse by acquiring Carl Everett from the world champion White Sox. That was a lame simile, yes, but I am so blinded with rage that I cannot go back and read what I wrote.
Things are about to go from bad to worse.
Carl Everett made it clear in an interview that he doesn't believe dinosaurs ever existed. Seriously. He'd be wonderfully stupid and fun to watch if it wasn't for all the rest.
He hates gays and he is vocal about it. He's headbutted an umpire. He spit, flipped off, and grabbed his crotch at Jamie Moyer after hitting a home run. He had his children taken by child services after they were spotted by the Mets organization with bruises all over their bodies. He fights with managers. He fights with fans. He has to be held back very frequently from throwing punches at everyone and anyone in the clubhouse.
He sucks. Carl Everett sucks.
The Mariners suck, too, but at least they're good people. Carl Everett's numbers against opposing pitchers are nowhere close to the damage he does to the team he's playing for.
The general malaise that was Safeco Field is about to find a way to get worse. No more blase losing: we're about to see losing on and off the field.
In a depressed stupor, I convinced myself for a brief moment that Carl Everett will add some charge to the M's, some wind to the sails that have been limp for years.
Then I read a timeline of his atrocities.
And I realized: he's playing DH. The position most beloved to Mariners fans. He has taken the place of Edgar. That's how bad it's gotten.
You have my permission to boo him. You may cheer when he strikes out.
Just be warned that if it catches on, he'll be hitting more fans than pitches.
posted by Jon at 7:43 PM
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