Blockbusters Based On Pre-Existing Fan Bases
Been a long time since I posted anything. Been even longer since I talked movies. But I have advice for you regarding these three.
Iron Man
Right off the bat, I can tell you that this ranks 4th for me among the new super hero movies (new being everything since "Batman and Robin") behind 3) Spider-Man 2 2) X-Men 2 and 1) Batman Begins. That's a very respectable place to be. Iron Man does fall into the trap of being like many other hero origin stories (the new The Hulk will have a very very similar structure) but Robert Downey Jr. does a great job. See it. It's fun, and the Dude is in there, bald and beautiful.
Speed Racer
I had a ton of fun at this. The midnight screening (I'm really not that big of a fan) had about 10 people at it, and we all had a great time. Because, let's face it: if you take a Japanese cartoon from the 60's and make it into a full length feature film, this is the best you're going to get. It doesn't hurt if you like Mario Kart, either. It's delicious to the eye, and amazing to the kid in you (ninjas attack right when you need them) albeit very confusing for the kids in the audience between flashbacks and flash forwards that twist the story like the race tracks in it. Just let go and have fun at it. Your senses will thank you.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
I'll go for the non-spoiler advice first, but spoilers will follow with sufficient warning.
This is the first movie I've watched and thought to myself "give me two weeks with the script as it is and I can make this AMAZING." Sure there are plenty of classic Indy moments: he talks love with a smirk, kicks people out of moving cars, and gets in lots of fist fights with plenty of over-the-top sound effects. And there were plenty of jems in story that could've been made into something good. But this movie scores the worst on a test that accurately measures the greatness of the Indiana Jones movies: how different they are from "National Treasure." This one is the most like "National Treasure," it will have you laughing at the amazing effects that are dressed up from a B-movie. Shia LaBeouf does a mighty fine job, actually, and the story picks up in just about the only way it can: years later, with a new sworn enemy to 'merica (the 50's, so Russians). But it gets downright silly at times and can't outrun the giant ball of expectations. Man, those other three are so good!
***SPOILERS NOW. DISCUSSION TIME. COME BACK WHEN YOU'VE SEEN IT.***
Q: "You saw Indiana Jones? How was it?"
A: "Indiana Jones survives a nuclear bomb."
As for that scene, I'll get to why it works for the story in a second. But come on. 1) Why did the tumbling fridge need to be computer generated? How easy is it to film a tumbling fridge? and 2) A better scene is Indy scrambling to alert the government that he's on the testing ground by making an explosion of his own so that they cancel the sequence (plus, wouldn't the testing be canceled once the guards are found slaughtered? Or did they figure the best chance to kill the Russian spies is to do the tests?)
Anyway, here's where the story should've gone. Neil Flynn makes a jarring appearance as the FBI agent that's grilling Indy after the atomic blast and says something like "now you're wanted/watched by the Bureau." Has America changed that much? Yes it has! The very moment Indy walks into that fake 1950's house, he looks out of place. He is sympathetic brown leather from the heroic 40's trapped in the Nuclear Age, conformity abound. Use that! He's being watched by the government after all he's done? Why not have a McCarthy element?! Portray him as stuck in a time he despises and could never really adapt to, watched by the government throughout the story. His only way of escape is to go exploring again, during which he hides his glee at being in a place that reminds him of a simpler time, his glory days. Plus, they think he's a communist as he fights the communists, still standing up for what he believes in.
A quick fix to a common groaning moment: cut out the scene of Shia LaBeouf swinging with the monkeys. Leave it implied. He sees a monkey, maybe it swings, then show his face watching the monkey swing, then cut back to the cars. He can swing in later, and the audience can figure it out without the ridiculous shot of monkeys and Mutt that only Peter Jackson could pull off in a movie.
But I was fine with the alien plot. It works with Indiana Jones. The first movies dealt with forces we can't fully understand, so why can't this one? The characters, like the other movies, are happy to escape and have a new appreciation for life and the universe. Works for me, and it fits with archeology.
But that's not how magnetism works. I'm talking about following the gun powder cloud to the magnetic source. I hated that so much. If instead they had made piles of gunpowder and watched the slight movement of it so far from the source of the magnetism, then made more and more piles as they got closer, before BANG INDY LIGHTS ONE AND THERES A CHASE? Better movie, different direction, no Indy staring at a mushroom cloud. The only way I could make the filmed version better without cutting anything would be with the addition of the following secret scene.
CRYSTAL SKULL: AFTER THE CREDITS SCENE
INT. WAREHOUSE
Camera fades in at the Area 51 warehouse, where the army is cleaning up the splintered crates. Again we see the partially revealed Ark of the Covenant and zoom in. The visible golden eagle on the lid turns its head to the camera and winks before snapping back into place as the lid begins to open. The person inside is a very sleepy HENRY JONES SR (Sean Connery) who blinks as if just waking up from a long sleep.
INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
A hospital bed, where a sickly Henry Jones Sr. is blinking and opening his eyes. Indiana is seated at his side, holding his hat.
Henry clutches his heart as he says this. He is having a heart attack. Indiana stands up quickly.
EXT. - DUSK
Immediately the camera switches to a close-up of the words "What do you mean there's no Disney Channel?!" carved in stone. As the camera zooms back, we see that they are the epitaph on the tombstone of Henry Jones, Sr.
The shadow of Indiana on the grave reveals he is holding his hat over his heart.
Iron Man
Right off the bat, I can tell you that this ranks 4th for me among the new super hero movies (new being everything since "Batman and Robin") behind 3) Spider-Man 2 2) X-Men 2 and 1) Batman Begins. That's a very respectable place to be. Iron Man does fall into the trap of being like many other hero origin stories (the new The Hulk will have a very very similar structure) but Robert Downey Jr. does a great job. See it. It's fun, and the Dude is in there, bald and beautiful.
Speed Racer
I had a ton of fun at this. The midnight screening (I'm really not that big of a fan) had about 10 people at it, and we all had a great time. Because, let's face it: if you take a Japanese cartoon from the 60's and make it into a full length feature film, this is the best you're going to get. It doesn't hurt if you like Mario Kart, either. It's delicious to the eye, and amazing to the kid in you (ninjas attack right when you need them) albeit very confusing for the kids in the audience between flashbacks and flash forwards that twist the story like the race tracks in it. Just let go and have fun at it. Your senses will thank you.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
I'll go for the non-spoiler advice first, but spoilers will follow with sufficient warning.
This is the first movie I've watched and thought to myself "give me two weeks with the script as it is and I can make this AMAZING." Sure there are plenty of classic Indy moments: he talks love with a smirk, kicks people out of moving cars, and gets in lots of fist fights with plenty of over-the-top sound effects. And there were plenty of jems in story that could've been made into something good. But this movie scores the worst on a test that accurately measures the greatness of the Indiana Jones movies: how different they are from "National Treasure." This one is the most like "National Treasure," it will have you laughing at the amazing effects that are dressed up from a B-movie. Shia LaBeouf does a mighty fine job, actually, and the story picks up in just about the only way it can: years later, with a new sworn enemy to 'merica (the 50's, so Russians). But it gets downright silly at times and can't outrun the giant ball of expectations. Man, those other three are so good!
***SPOILERS NOW. DISCUSSION TIME. COME BACK WHEN YOU'VE SEEN IT.***
Q: "You saw Indiana Jones? How was it?"
A: "Indiana Jones survives a nuclear bomb."
As for that scene, I'll get to why it works for the story in a second. But come on. 1) Why did the tumbling fridge need to be computer generated? How easy is it to film a tumbling fridge? and 2) A better scene is Indy scrambling to alert the government that he's on the testing ground by making an explosion of his own so that they cancel the sequence (plus, wouldn't the testing be canceled once the guards are found slaughtered? Or did they figure the best chance to kill the Russian spies is to do the tests?)
Anyway, here's where the story should've gone. Neil Flynn makes a jarring appearance as the FBI agent that's grilling Indy after the atomic blast and says something like "now you're wanted/watched by the Bureau." Has America changed that much? Yes it has! The very moment Indy walks into that fake 1950's house, he looks out of place. He is sympathetic brown leather from the heroic 40's trapped in the Nuclear Age, conformity abound. Use that! He's being watched by the government after all he's done? Why not have a McCarthy element?! Portray him as stuck in a time he despises and could never really adapt to, watched by the government throughout the story. His only way of escape is to go exploring again, during which he hides his glee at being in a place that reminds him of a simpler time, his glory days. Plus, they think he's a communist as he fights the communists, still standing up for what he believes in.
A quick fix to a common groaning moment: cut out the scene of Shia LaBeouf swinging with the monkeys. Leave it implied. He sees a monkey, maybe it swings, then show his face watching the monkey swing, then cut back to the cars. He can swing in later, and the audience can figure it out without the ridiculous shot of monkeys and Mutt that only Peter Jackson could pull off in a movie.
But I was fine with the alien plot. It works with Indiana Jones. The first movies dealt with forces we can't fully understand, so why can't this one? The characters, like the other movies, are happy to escape and have a new appreciation for life and the universe. Works for me, and it fits with archeology.
But that's not how magnetism works. I'm talking about following the gun powder cloud to the magnetic source. I hated that so much. If instead they had made piles of gunpowder and watched the slight movement of it so far from the source of the magnetism, then made more and more piles as they got closer, before BANG INDY LIGHTS ONE AND THERES A CHASE? Better movie, different direction, no Indy staring at a mushroom cloud. The only way I could make the filmed version better without cutting anything would be with the addition of the following secret scene.
CRYSTAL SKULL: AFTER THE CREDITS SCENE
INT. WAREHOUSE
Camera fades in at the Area 51 warehouse, where the army is cleaning up the splintered crates. Again we see the partially revealed Ark of the Covenant and zoom in. The visible golden eagle on the lid turns its head to the camera and winks before snapping back into place as the lid begins to open. The person inside is a very sleepy HENRY JONES SR (Sean Connery) who blinks as if just waking up from a long sleep.
INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
A hospital bed, where a sickly Henry Jones Sr. is blinking and opening his eyes. Indiana is seated at his side, holding his hat.
HENRY
What'd I miss?
INDIANA
Dad!
HENRY
Hello Junior.
INDIANA
How ya feelin pop? You gave us quite a scare.
HENRY
I'm - alright. Where's . . . where is everybody?
INDIANA
Where is who?
HENRY
Your wife, Junior. Where is she? And where's your son?
INDIANA
What? Don't do this dad! Jeez, did you hit your head?
HENRY
My head feels fine. Where are they?
INDIANA
Dad, I'm not married and I don't have a son.
HENRY
Sure you do. You married that smiley girl, and she revealed that she had your son. It's that boy from the Disney Channel. Name's LeBuff or something. You met him and went looking for your old friend. And you just saw the space saucer in the Amazon with the alien skeletons.
INDIANA
Listen, Dad. You're in the hospital. Your heart gave out. It's 1957, I'm your son, I'm not married. I've been teaching the last few years, and I haven't been to South America any time recently. That was all a dream. And there's no such thing as the Disney Channel.
HENRY
What do you mean there's no such thing as the Disney Channel?!
What'd I miss?
INDIANA
Dad!
HENRY
Hello Junior.
INDIANA
How ya feelin pop? You gave us quite a scare.
HENRY
I'm - alright. Where's . . . where is everybody?
INDIANA
Where is who?
HENRY
Your wife, Junior. Where is she? And where's your son?
INDIANA
What? Don't do this dad! Jeez, did you hit your head?
HENRY
My head feels fine. Where are they?
INDIANA
Dad, I'm not married and I don't have a son.
HENRY
Sure you do. You married that smiley girl, and she revealed that she had your son. It's that boy from the Disney Channel. Name's LeBuff or something. You met him and went looking for your old friend. And you just saw the space saucer in the Amazon with the alien skeletons.
INDIANA
Listen, Dad. You're in the hospital. Your heart gave out. It's 1957, I'm your son, I'm not married. I've been teaching the last few years, and I haven't been to South America any time recently. That was all a dream. And there's no such thing as the Disney Channel.
HENRY
What do you mean there's no such thing as the Disney Channel?!
Henry clutches his heart as he says this. He is having a heart attack. Indiana stands up quickly.
EXT. - DUSK
Immediately the camera switches to a close-up of the words "What do you mean there's no Disney Channel?!" carved in stone. As the camera zooms back, we see that they are the epitaph on the tombstone of Henry Jones, Sr.
The shadow of Indiana on the grave reveals he is holding his hat over his heart.
posted by Jon at 1:52 AM
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